I, The Divine Page 5

  The physical transformation was the easier part. Luckily, I am blessed with a good figure, and my soccer playing proved to be helpful in that department. My stepmother, thrilled by the metamorphosis, showered me with money to go shopping with Dina. The effect on the boys in school, and on Fadi in particular, was thrilling.

  Unfortunately for Fadi, my transformation was not only a physical one. With the appearance of Dina, Fadi remained my boyfriend, but he was no longer my best friend. I found it easier to confide in Dina. That was not all, though. Dina and Fadi were opposites in many ways. Fadi was a leftist, a communist really. Dina, on the other hand, was a diehard rightist, a follower of Ayn Rand’s objectivist philosophy. Fadi was a Sunni Muslim and Dina was Maronite Christian.

  Whereas in America most fifteen-year-olds worry about who they are going to take to the prom, in Lebanon we worried about politics. The representatives we elected to our student board were all divided among party lines, right or left. Until Dina showed up, I had voted left. I was not as committed a communist as Fadi, but I had read Marx’s Communist Manifesto and believed strongly in the Palestinian struggle against Israel. I marched in demonstrations, attended rallies, and during one demonstration picked up sharp stones for the boys to throw at the police. I must admit that I also derived pleasure from my stepmother’s concern about my communism.

  Our world was changing, even though at the time, we had no idea how destructive the change was to be. The civil war was starting, sides were being taken, and debates were heated. I began to wonder why the Palestinian struggle meant fighting the Lebanese. I did not particularly like the Maronites, but at least they were nationals. Dina gave me Ayn Rand’s books and I was transformed into a budding capitalist, the poor be damned. I read The Virtue of Selfishness. Fadi did not take that transformation well. We stayed together for a couple of years after that, perhaps because we had nothing better to do and had no idea how to break up, but the relationship was not the same. It is ironic that our relationship lasted for two years, until my resolute Randian stance began to crumble. At seventeen I read Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason, the book Ayn Rand blamed for the decline of Western civilization, and loved it. I dropped Ayn and Fadi at about the same time.

  Dina taught me about myself. The daughter of an analyst, she posited many psychological theories about our lives. She thought my whole tomboy phase mirrored my father’s wish for a boy.

  Dina told me that a photograph of Sarah Bernhardt greeted every troubled and neurotic patient who entered Sigmund Freud’s office. A photograph of the Divine Sarah greeted all my neurotic friends as they came up the stairs to my flat in San Francisco as well. I do not know why Freud had her in his office, whether he considered her a symbol of the eternal feminine or of the neurotic woman. If it were Carl Jung’s office, I would suggest the former, but since it was Freud’s, I lean toward the latter.

  When my lover, David, saw her picture the first time he arrived at my house, he wondered aloud why I had it. He considered her a wayward slut and a megalomaniac. Having already fallen for him, I forgave his impertinence, giving him credit for being the first heterosexual man I knew, other than my grandfather (whom I had always wondered about in any case), who had even heard of her.

  I was unable to find out which picture of Bernhardt Freud had hanging in his office. I had two, a photograph and a poster. The photograph was circa 1880 with Sarah as Dumas’s La Dame aux Camélias, the role which made her famous, on a settee, looking despondent, away from the intrusive camera, wearing what appears to be a nightgown and a feather-trimmed robe de chambre. The poster was for the 1898 production of Medea, with Sarah holding a bloody knife, the supine body of a young boy at her feet.

  Count Leo Nikolayevitch Tolstoy lied. I do not know if all happy families resemble each other as I do not know any content families. In Lebanon during the war, however, all unhappy families were not unhappy in their own way. They suffered because at least one family member was killed. It did not matter why a family was unhappy before; death became the overpowering reason.

  For our family, it was the death of Rana.

  Rana was my half-sister, my stepmother’s eldest. She was born in May 1964 and died on July 7, 1978.

  I was her closest sister. Early on, she spied on me, mimicked my every gesture. I was four years older, which also meant she wore my hand-me-downs. When I walked with friends, she used to follow me, always pacing herself about ten steps behind us, not exactly a part of our group, but any passerby would recognize she was with us. She watched every soccer game I played in, always cheering on the sideline like an English supporter.

  My eldest sister, Amal, and I called her Beesy, a diminutive of “pussycat” in Lebanese. When Rana was eight, a neighbor had a fight with my stepmother. Rana went to the neighbor’s door two floors below us, pulled down her underwear, crouched, and peed on the neighbor’s welcome mat, something that I would have been proud to have done at her age. She told only Amal and me about it. The neighbor complained about stray cats that came into the building.

  Rana was beautiful, taking after our paternal grandmother. Our grandmother’s sour disposition rendered her unattractive. Rana, on the other hand, was sunshine incarnate. She had shimmering black hair, light skin, large hazel eyes, and full lips, more a Botticelli than a da Vinci. By the time she reached fourteen, her beauty had become a general topic of conversation. My stepmother forced her to pin a small turquoise stone inside everything she wore to keep away the evil eye. It did not work.

  The year 1978 was horrific. The civil war raged on. The Syrians wanted to become the major players in Lebanon, their army spread all over the country. Palestinians ran amok in Beirut. Eleven PLO fighters landed on Israeli shores and their carjacked vehicles ended up in Tel Aviv, killing Israeli civilians. In response, Israel invaded Lebanon, killing hundreds of Lebanese civilians. Instead of fighting the Israelis, the Syrians turned their guns on the Christians of East Beirut, killing hundreds of Lebanese civilians.

  On July 1, 1978, the Syrians began an intensive bombing campaign against East Beirut, and a seventeen-year-old Syrian soldier, by the name of Izzat Ghalaini, laid his eyes on Rana. She was walking from our home to Amal’s, what was once our grandfather’s apartment, two buildings down. He cracked a joke as she passed by. She laughed, an innocuous laugh that would prove to be ominous. The pimply-faced soldier was besotted. He had misinterpreted. My sister’s laugh never meant very much. She laughed easily, constantly, nothing could remove the joy in her eyes.

  She arrived at Amal’s house, told the story of the homely soldier to Amal and her husband, told it as something amusing that happened on her way over. On her return home, the soldier was waiting for her with a single daisy. She crossed the street to avoid him.

  On July 2, the Syrians intensified their bombing of the Christians. In West Beirut, we had no water, electricity, or phones. It was worse in East Beirut. They could not even rescue the wounded from damaged buildings. We stayed indoors the whole day.

  On July 3, Rana and I walked over to Amal’s, holding the hands of our youngest sister, Majida. The soldier ran over to us. “I’ve been hoping you’d show up,” he said.

  “What the hell for?” I asked.

  He retreated a step, his face registered shock. “My intentions are completely honorable,” he said softly, hesitantly.

  “I don’t give a damn,” I replied. I pulled my sisters along and left him standing bewildered. “Don’t you have work to do?” I yelled back. “Like manning some checkpoint or shooting at people instead of lurking about and harassing decent girls?”

  On July 4, Kameel Chamoun, a Christian leader and former Lebanese president, called for the withdrawal of Syrians from Lebanese soil. Prime Minister Hoss, a Muslim, rejected that demand. The Syrians kept shelling.

  On July 5, the soldier showed up at our door in army fatigues, his rifle slung across his shoulder. He politely asked to speak to our father. When my stepmother, who had answered the door, asked him what for, he said t
hat there had been some misunderstanding. He had come to ensure that our family understood that his intentions were honorable and that had his mother not been so far away, she would have arrived with him to our door. He intended to ask for my sister’s hand in marriage. My stepmother inadvertently laughed. She then realized he was serious. She told him in no uncertain terms that Rana was much too young, that the family had many pressing things to worry about, not the least of which was an internecine war, and in any case, she was not sure he would be a very appropriate husband for her daughter.

  On July 6, the Lebanese president, Elias Sarkis, threatened to resign, saying that the Syrians were carrying out operations without his consent or cooperation. Israeli planes began flying low over Beirut, their sonic booms rattling windows, their presence warning the Syrians off further bloodshed.

  The Syrians heeded the warnings. They stopped shelling on July 7, after over four hundred Lebanese Christian civilians had been killed. Rana, celebrating the relative calm, walked out of the house to visit a school friend. The soldier did not approach. He shot her from across the street. She died instantly. He placed the butt of his rifle on the ground, put the other end in his mouth, and fired.

  My stepmother cried on hearing the news. My father did not. My stepmother watched my father and dried her tears. She wanted to appear strong. At the burial the following day, even with the coffin in the room, she sat regally in her chair, her eyes moist but not flowing. The wailers, whose main purpose was to ensure that every female family member cried enough, failed.

  The official condolences, on July 9, occurred at Dar el-Taifeh, the main Druze building in the city. Our house could not hold the number of people that showed up. My stepmother, my father’s daughters from his first marriage—Amal, Lamia, and I—and my half-sister Majida, sat in one of the large halls. Around us were our aunts, cousins, and other relatives. In the other room, which we could barely see because of the size of the halls, sat the men. My father insisted that my half-brother, Ramzi, all of eight-years-old, stay with him. Men and women entered both halls, offered their condolences and then split up. Every time someone came in, we stood up. We spent the entire morning on our feet.

  My best friend, Dina, showed up, crossing from East Beirut. When she stood in front of me, I broke down. “May you be compensated with your health,” she said formally, tears flowing down her face. She hesitated, slowing the line of people. “I’m so sorry,” she added. She moved on to my sisters and stepmother on my right.

  When she sat in the far corner of the hall, I left my seat and joined her. We held hands silently and watched as relatives and friends streamed in.

  “I’m leaving,” she said suddenly. “I’m going to Boston. I can’t take this anymore. I don’t think I’m ever coming back here.”

  “When are you guys leaving?”

  “It’s just me,” she said. “They don’t want to leave Lebanon yet. They think things will improve.”

  “They’re going to let you leave by yourself?”

  She looked at me sideways, scrunching her face. “After all this,” she said, “you think they consider it better for me to stay in Lebanon?”

  A couple of Druze men came in wearing army fatigues. Even though they were unarmed, the air tensed. They offered their condolences to the women and left for the men’s hall.

  “Are you doing all right?” Dina asked. Her face was lightly made-up, traces of wiped red lipstick clung to the left corner of her mouth.

  “Not very well,” I replied. “I just can’t believe she’s gone. I still think I’ll wake up. How does one deal with something like this? You know, my family is very close in many ways but we do not talk about things. My father locks himself in a room. My stepmother shuts down. We try to pretend a crisis never happened. If we don’t talk about it, it will disappear.”

  A short, dumpy woman walked in, wearing an old scarf and a tattered overcoat even though it was summer. Her face looked familiar, but I did not recognize her. She offered her condolences to the family, shook each hand quickly and moved to the next. She then sat alone on the side. My aunt began whispering to my stepmother. My relatives were abuzz.

  Nervous chitchat moved around the room like a wave, up and down, side to side. Behind us, a voice said, “I can’t believe the gall. Has she no shame? Someone should kick her out.”

  Dina looked at me uncomprehending. I scrutinized the woman and finally realized why her homely face was familiar. “It’s his mother,” I said.

  Dina’s face dropped. “Oh, my God. What is she doing here?”

  “I don’t know. She must have traveled all night.”

  The chair she sat in looked like it was a couple of sizes too big for her. She sat avoiding gazes, looking at the floor. The closest women to her were from our father’s village and they stood up and left the room hurriedly, without shaking hands with anyone. The soldier’s mother kept still, her head down, her hands on her lap, fingers entwined. Only her left thumb twitched sporadically. My aunt stood up, her eyes filled with menace. The chair she was sitting on fell backward, an ear-splitting sound. She began moving toward the soldier’s mother, but my stepmother stopped her. My stepmother strode over to the murderer’s mother, sat down next to her. They did not exchange words. The room hushed completely. My stepmother reached over, covered the woman’s hand with hers. The soldier’s mother cried silently.

  For Dina

  My grandfather, Hammoud, named me for the great Sarah Bernhardt. He was infatuated with her. Since he chose my name, stamped me, I immediately became his favorite granddaughter.

  As a child, I spent as much time at my grandfather’s house as I did at ours. My grandparents lived in a spacious apartment only two buildings away. Even though my father was educated, a physician, he viewed education only as a means of achieving a better professional position rather than as a process of satisfying intellectual curiosities. My grandfather, on the other hand, was a newspaperman. His mind was filled with information and trivia, which he shared with anyone who would listen, and I loved to listen.

  I spent most of the time with my grandfather in the family room, a green-walled, well-lit room filled with books. I sat on his lap as he regaled me with stories. He told all kinds of tales, but his favorites were about the Divine Sarah, the goddess of the stage. These I came to know by heart.

  “Her real name was Henriette-Rosine Bernard,” he told me, “but she’ll always be Sarah Bernhardt, the Divine Sarah, the greatest woman who ever lived. She broke every man’s heart. When she was up on stage, the earth moved, the planets collided, and the audience fell in love. I was a little boy when I met her, not much older than you, but I knew I was in the presence of the greatest actress in the world.”

  “Her hair,” went another story, “her hair was red like fire, bright red, and her voice, oh my, her voice was the most beautiful in the world. When she spoke it was like singing. I was a young boy when I met her, and she an old woman, but I would have married her, if I could. I would have married her right there. But everybody wanted to marry her. Her red hair was almost like yours was when you were a baby. If we colored your hair now, you would look just like her. And she was a firecracker, just like you.”

  I grew up believing I was the Divine Sarah. I could do anything I wanted. This gift from my grandfather was the greatest bestowed on me. Growing up female in Lebanon was not easy. No matter how much encouragement parents gave their daughters, pressures, subtle and not so subtle, led girls to hope for nothing more than a good marriage. Being the Divine Sarah, I was oblivious to such pressures, much to the consternation of many. As a child, I was a tomboy, unaware of how girls were supposed to behave. I became a good soccer player. I excelled at mathematics in school. I wore dungarees and tennis shoes.

  His stories had little effect on anyone else. My sisters, Amal and Lamia, were unimpressed. My stepmother objected to my hearing stories of wayward women, but my grandfather persuaded her it was a harmless activity. Years later, she would blame my becoming a
tramp, as she once called me, on those stories, which by the age of five I was able to repeat word for word. I wanted to be an actress. I would stand in front of the mirror in my room thanking my audience. I delivered incomprehensible monologues as Racine’s Phèdre without having any idea what the play was. Lamia, who was two years older, got so fed up with the performances, she slapped me across the face. I cried, ran to my father, complained about her, and when she came after me to defend herself, I stood behind my father, orating a new monologue just to annoy her. To this day, with all her problems, what with being institutionalized and all, she is my least favorite sister.

  As I grew older, I began to ask more questions of my grandfather. How did he come to meet the Divine Sarah? He was with his father, a highly ranked, poorly paid diplomat of the decaying Ottoman Empire who was visiting Paris on a diplomatic mission. They saw a play and my grandfather was taken backstage to meet her. How old was he? Eleven, the year was 1912. The play? Edmond Rostand’s L’Aiglon. The hero of this play was Napoleon’s son, who was kept in semi-captivity after the fall of the empire. The Divine Sarah was a middle-aged woman playing a boy’s part. I was enthralled. Was she great as Napoleon’s son? She was incredible. She ran across the stage, jumping from place to place, delivering her lines with such intensity, such integrity, the audience forgot they were watching the Divine Sarah. They were watching Napoleon’s son walking the stage.

  By the age of ten, I began to study the plays themselves. I loved L’Aiglon, but if the Divine Sarah was to do Rostand, why not be Cyrano de Bergerac with his panache? I asked my grandfather if he knew whether she had played Cyrano. No, he did not. She could have. The Divine Sarah could do anything. I wanted to know for certain, so I tried to find out. I went to the nuns at school. A kind nun, not typical of the Carmelites, took the time to show me how to use the Encyclopédie Larousse. I looked up the Divine Sarah.